Someone asked me today a very important question…
What does it mean to Hold Space for yourself or others?
The definition and basics of Holding Space is…
According the HuffPost – “Holding space for another person is incredibly profound. When you hold space for someone, you bring your entire presence to them. You walk along with them without judgment, sharing their journey to an unknown destination. Yet you’re completely willing to end up wherever they need to go”
While I understand that this action is different for everyone, to me learning to hold space was like learning another language and it was a very hard to take this on. To be honest I have never been able to learn another language, so I am not sure how I figured this out? But I do know that through much practice and study I surprisingly found that on some level the ability was inside of me, just like breathing day after day! This knew found ability brought me joy to be able to walk without judgement while sharing another’s journey.
Offering compassion to others even if they don’t show it back instantly is the only way I can explain it.
Let me start here –
For me the first step to holding space is Listening
I think maybe I need to start by saying this is easier said than done. It takes a lot to learn this skill and in its simplest form is difficult at best! To really listen takes effort on the part of the listener, practice and well the strongest patience you will ever have to find in your heart EVER!
Our worlds are filled with distractions, change, demands and thoughts of trying to keep up with everybody else, so giving someone your full attentions can and will be overwhelming for sure. In practicing this skill I have had to teach myself to not go anywhere else and at first I had to force myself to stay in the moment, luckily for me it became clear to me early on that I could be good at this listening thing, not because I had to, but because I loved to, for it really meant staying in the moment not only for me but for another!!!
Holding space and listening to another truly is the definition of offering up undivided attention to another in the moment without allowing any distractions creep into the now. For me, when I am sitting with someone in person (or even from a distance) to hold space and listen, it means that I put away my phone, I do not open a computer or a tablet or a book and I try to be fully present. By doing this I feel the message being sent is that I care enough about the person I am with or holding space for because I know somehow from deep within that what is being shared with me is important enough that every word deserves my full attention! I even believe that if I am sitting with someone side by side that it is important enough to not break that trust by talking to others I might know walking by, for that in itself might make the person I am holding space with or listening too, feel a sense of no importance which defeats the purpose of holding space with or for them…. Right?
I have had to practice this for many many years during my life and frankly I still find myself faltering sometimes, so I go back to the drawing board to learn how do practice this thought of holding space even more!
I also practice the no judgement thing and if you know me on any level you know that I really try to enforce this not only with myself but with others. (Yes, I have been known to have people apologize instantly for judging another) If you are asking why I do this, well there is a long answer and it is probably a subject for another blog. But in this blog, I do this practice of listening and non judgement because I find that others will speak without interruption. Speaking without interruption allows another to speak or maybe even process something they are going through and in fact by doing this for another, can help them figure out a solution or a “why” so they can move on to the next level of understanding for themselves.
By the way holding space for another in person or from afar also means allowing them to speak as long as they need to in order to feel acknowledged and free.
The next step of holding space is to Acknowledge and Validate another’s Thoughts and Emotions.
For me, I have had to learn time and time again when is the right time to just be quiet and listen verses jumping in and trying to solve the problem myself and again if you know me well then you know I still struggle with this daily – but I’m getting better at it, well at least I hope I am.
I have learned that coming from a space of compassion when holding space is key. My personal goal when holding space is to want the other to feel better, and I never want to see someone I care or am holding space with to be in pain, or sadness, or fear. So, as a first action, acknowledge how the other is feeling and validate the emotions they’re sharing with you in the moment. Here is the thing… by doing this you hope to show that the emotions they are sharing and expressing are important and that you care about them.
You could use the following comments in the moment to try to move to the next step:
“Can you share with me what has upset you?” This statement simply and clearly offers another a moment to reflect on and share what led to this place of upset!
“I understand that what was said or heard was hurtful, and I can see how that would be upsetting.” By saying this you are trying to validate how another feels and how it is real and important without blaming or putting any importance on the person that said something wrong.
By holding space for another and listening and I mean really listening you are giving the others emotions the time and more importantly the space to be understood, and acknowledged even when in the moment your own emotions might flare up in your head but that acknowledge that they can be heard at a later time. I always remember that when I am holding space for another it is not my time for reflection, so I guess that means at that point I am in service for others which I realize is very very important for me in my journey!
Sometimes I ask the person in front of me how I can support them and sometimes I just know…. Strangely enough😊
Don’t judge yourself or start asking yourself what if I said the wrong thing or what if I do not have answer or well who knows what else could come up. Reality is it is time to learn that holding space for another is enough! By asking someone what is happening? or Can I help? or Do you need to just hang out? is the solution to holding space. Asking questions like How can I support you? Might help another start to find solutions instead of sitting with the problem. A hug or a smile could help too, as it is an acknowledgement of understanding for sure. Sometimes you might find the other really wants a solution and frankly that is ok too!
Most times I do try to offer a suggestion, but I also try to acknowledge it is ok not know what the right thing to do at that moment is… but be assuring that that it will come! In the past I have always offered up a story which I thought might help… turns out I might think this is not so great every time so I am learning this and so will you!
Silence is very powerful when holding Space for another! In the same way that no one has all of the answers or solutions (and am still learning this one). Also know that you don’t need to be talking the whole time while holding space in person in order to be supportive or helpful!
Asking questions is ok but to hold space you just need to keep the focus of the one in front of you and making the space safe and available for their sharing to feel right for them in that moment because it is key for their healing!
By just sitting in silence and supporting another is very powerful in itself and it lets another know that you are there in the moment just to hold space, acknowledge and help when necessary!
Next, I try to express Gratitude!
I have learned to thank another for allowing me to hold space with them and that I appreciate them trusting me enough to open up in the moment, which is a very vulnerable place to be I know! I remind others that I am always there for them when needed no matter what (this make some crazy how adamant I am about this, but I just want it to be know and be true to others… Ok I am working on this)
What comes next? It is different for everyone but give them some space. This gives someone time to breathe and to process and frankly means that they are not acting without first processing what was going on in that time of need which frankly could bring a deeper meaning to a solution! Kind of cool actually when this happens.
Lastly when finishing holding space for another… you might want to suggest taking part in some self-care. I find that holding space for another requires a lot of not only my attention but of my emotional self and I need to rejuvenate. I do this by going out into nature, going for a hike or a night out under the stars etc. By indulging in self-care, I find that my physical body and my emotional spirit is replenished, and I can then continue to Hold space for others because I am healthy in many ways!
There you have it… My explanation of and my experience with Holding space for another whether in person or from afar! It is a beautiful thing to do and an amazing thing to allow yourself to do with another btw!
Peace and Happiness😊
