Dear Dr. K;
Let me just start of by saying I am not a fan of Doctors in general, but I trusted mom’s choice of having you do her Hip replacement surgery. According to mom you are a good guy. She said you are nice and careful and knowledgeable. Mom was in so much pain, daily, that I went with the flow in the hopes of her being “fixed”.
I remember bringing mom in for her intake, I sat with her in the pre-op room for an hour while the nurses checked her in and asked her questions such as “Did you eat this morning Ms. S”, “May I please check your blood pressure Ms. S”, “Let me check your blood sugar, Ms. S” and finally “you know you are in good hands Ms. S”.
I then met the anesthesiologist and his nurse, who loved moms jokes about wanting a Jewish cadaver bone and that she wanted extra meds so she could relax… I recall after much discussion and mom’s confession of her fear of waking up or feeling something during surgery, the epidural block idea was thrown out… fully under she would go.
Then Dr. K you came into the room to check on mom, to tell her things would be fine and to remind her that you had the “Jewish donated bone” on hold just in case she needed it. Mom smiled. Then you looked at me and asked if I was the daughter moving and told me you knew how beautiful it is where I was going and smiled and walked away to get ready. You took the time, to care. I was impressed.
After a few minutes, Mom got wheeled into the OR and I was told not to worry. I was told you would talk to me as soon as the operation was over. I waited. I feared everything was taking too long and I was worried. You came out after a few hours told me it all went well, you understood why she was in so much pain and you assured me she got her “Jewish bone”, not that that mattered anymore, I was just happy that all went well and Mom would not be in daily pain anymore! I thanked you, you went on your way and that was the last I ever saw you or heard from you.
I am not sure if you know Dr. K but during the next three days mom was very sick, vomiting, dizzy and unable to eat. I asked if you had visited and if I could talk to you, several times but was told all was ok. The next 2 days is a blur. Mom went from dizzy, to having a stoke, to brain surgery to being pronounced dead, yes dead all within 5 days of our first and only encounter, where you assured me it would all be ok…. And I trusted you.
Here’s the deal Dr. K – this whole thing sucks! I get it! I lost my mom, my kids lost their Nana, the world lost a good human, a pain in the ass human, but a funny human just the same. On the evening of August 13, 2017 at 11:00 pm my mother took her last breath and oh by the way did I mention her last breath happened on the same day my son was brought into this world 20 years ago.
Dr. K, I do not blame you and I do believe you probably did a great job. I believe when it is someone’s time to go, it just is and most things cannot change that. So, her death was meant to be at that moment no matter how much I blame myself – but that is another letter between me and my spiritual healers….
So, you may be asking why I am writing you this letter.
Dr. K I am saddened, disgusted and frankly surprised that I never once heard from you, since that moment after surgery, when you told me everything went well. I never got a call after requesting to talk to you, when mom was so physically sick after surgery. I never got a call from you when they moved mom to the stroke unit, I never got a call from you when mom had brain surgery and I NEVER got a call, a card or an email, after mom passed away. Not one thing from you or your office.
Now some would say “oh he can’t contact you because it opens him up to a lawsuit” or “I am sure the hospital he works for will not let him call you” blah blah blah – I call Bullshit. Dr. K – What has happened to sympathy towards a family during their time of loss, condolences being sent because it is the right thing to do, or just plain compassion.
Didn’t you become a Dr. to help people heal? Do you remember that feeling when I thanked you for fixing my Mom? Do you remember me thanking you for fixing my mom? I bet you do. I would bet you felt happiness that you were able to help my mom heal and move towards a better more functional daily life, like you do for so many other “Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, HUMANS”.
Dr. K, if you do remember that moment then you should also remember, that, shit happens, just the same and though no one is at fault, a call or a note can at least let me, a family member of your patient, one who put full faith into your abilities, know that you cared and that my lost family member, my MOM, was not just a number, not just a person being worked on, because it is your job, but she was that of a cool human being who was loved by many.
In closing, Dr. K my wish for you is that you take the time to re-evaluate why you became a Dr. and for you to relook at your role in the healing of another. I can almost with 100 percent certainty say even from our brief encounter when you told me “your mom will be fine” …. That the truth is you became a Dr. to help others heal to your best ability. But please remember that when things don’t go perfect, you can still help your patient’s family heal with just a simple phone call offering up your condolences and reminding us that you cared!
Sincerely,
A motherless daughter
Mrs. S’s daughter
Writers note: I wrote this on August 27, 2017 a few days after my moms passing… but it is just now that I am able to share this in any public capacity. if your asking why now… it is because it is about time I stand up to live my truths and share so that I can maybe show others it is OK to speak truths no matter what! please share this to help others!
